


Things you will never understand

by notveryhandy



Series: Whoops you died! [3]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Gen, Minor Character Death, Suicide, The Time War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22835761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notveryhandy/pseuds/notveryhandy
Summary: Perhaps, on a kinder day, you would have survived.“I have seen things you wouldn’t believe. I have lost things you will never understand!”
Series: Whoops you died! [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1712161
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Things you will never understand

_It’s not like I’m an innocent. I’ve taken lives. I got worse - I got clever. Manipulated people into taking their own._

You didn’t really have a chance, did you? Gallifrey is worth more than one Time Lord who’s barely out of the Academy. You sigh. Still, it’s not worth complaining. You look at the world one last time, and pick up the gun before you change your mind. You aim it at your head, and pull the trigger.

* * *

_First thing you notice about the Doctor of War, is he’s unarmed. For many it’s also the last._

You’re the youngest Time Lord fighting - only eighteen, decades younger than you should be. Time Lords don’t become adults until fifty. Still, here you are. A lonely, abandoned outpost in the middle of nowhere. You just have to hope for the best, don’t you?

And then, of course, he appears. He’s older than they said he was, and grimacing. You pull the gun in your hand out, and aim it him. You know what to do. Back on Gallifrey, they had drills for this sort of thing. _If you meet the Doctor,_ they said, _shoot first and deal with him later._ It never worked, of course. You wonder why.

The Doctor walks towards you. He’s unarmed. You blink, and look away. Surely he’s not looking at you. What could he want with you? You’re not important.

* * *

_900 years of time and space and I’ve never met someone who wasn’t important.  
_

He walks towards you. “Why are you here? This place is abandoned and the Daleks are coming. Don’t you want to leave?”

You shrug. “This is where I was sent. Where else would I go?”

He pays no attention to the gun in your hand, despite his apparent defenceless, and continues to walk nearer. You raise the gun again. “I’ll shoot you, I swear I will.”

Your voice is shaking, though. “I would be the one to kill the Doctor.”

“What an achievement,” he says drily. “What makes you think I'm the Doctor? And put down the gun, please, or I will kill you.”

Neither of you move.

* * *

_You know the sound the TARDIS makes? That wheezing, groaning. That sound brings hope wherever it goes._

As soon as you’d heard his Tardis, you’d frozen. That sound terrified you. Now that you have relaxed (if only a little), you start to get angry. “Why are you threatening me?” 

The Doctor sighs. “I’d rather get this over with. Surely this would be best if you died before the Daleks got here?”

You narrow your eyes, and walk further towards him. “I’ll put down the gun and listen to you if you explain why you’re here.”

He doesn’t say a word. “Fine, I’ll shoot you.”

“No.”

As if he has a choice in this.

* * *

_No more._

This must end, one of you has to die. And it’s not going to be you. The Doctor seems to be thinking the same thing.

“You wouldn’t.”

“How do you know?” the Doctor asks. He’s not smiling, just standing there. It’s worse than any display of cruelty or anger the Doctor could have shown. You lower the gun.

“No, don’t put it down,” he murmurs. “It ends. I can’t die - I must end the war.”

It’s clear what he’s saying. “And you expect me to...”

He nods.

* * *

_Good men don’t need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many._

You look at him. “And people thought you were a hero. Some of them still do, even.”

“I have never been a hero. That is what other people think,” he says, and stretches out his hand. “I would rather you shoot yourself than the Daleks kill you.”

“Can’t you save me?”

“You die. In every conceivable timeline I’ve seen, you die. This is the least painful, trust me,” he says curtly. The Doctor really isn’t messing around, is he? Straight to the point. You’re not sure whether that’s good.

* * *

_He never raised his voice. That was the worst thing. The fury of a Time Lord. And then we discovered why. Why this Doctor, who had fought with gods and demons, why he’d run away from us and hidden. He was being kind._

You wish he’d snap. Scream, shout, yell. The silence is intimidating. If you’re going to die, why can’t he be quick?

“You can use the gun,” he says. “It will save you a lot of pain.”

You choke. You point it at your head, terrified. Maybe you deserve this -

No. No. You are worth it, even if you die. Maybe you can go out with a bang.

* * *

_The Doctor, the man who keeps running, never looking back because he dare not, out of shame._

Perhaps, on a kinder day with a kinder man, you would have survived. But you can’t change this now. You’re going to die. It’s not complicated.

You wish it was. That might take your mind off your death. So simple, really. One shot. One button, and you’d just be - gone. Boom, nothing left but a broken body and an utterly exhausted soldier.

You pull the trigger.

The Doctor remains silent.

* * *

_Be strong... even if it breaks your heart._

“I didn’t want to.”

“I know.”

“You do realise,” the Master continues, “that it will be you who ends this war.”

It’s not a question.

“Why couldn’t you do it? You wouldn’t care, I know you wouldn’t. You could wipe them out without even _thinking_ about it,” the Doctor says. He’s almost sobbing now, falling apart bit by bit.

“This is not my war,” the Master says. “It is your war. You have a history with the Daleks, and with Gallifrey. There are consequences for your actions, no matter how long it takes. I may fight it, but you must end it.”

“I can’t, not any longer. I just - can’t. Too many have died, at both my hands and others. Tell me, then, how do I end it?”

“You kill them.”

The Doctor finally breaks down, tears streaming down his face. He buries his face in his hands, unwilling to show the Master the damage he has suffered in this war.

“I can’t.”

“Why must you always lie to me, my dear Doctor?”

_Better a broken heart than no heart at all._


End file.
